• Patrick Healy

Notes from the Underground 11/12/2021

To ensure complete unpredictability, lotteries run by Republican-controlled states will be replacing dice, cards and wheels with Senator Joe Manchin’s roll call votes. Said Governor Greg Abbott of Texas: “Hiring GOP Joey will increase Texas Lottery’s profits tenfold. He has a proven track record of favoring big business, making absolutely no sense in his reasoning, and doing whatever it takes to screw over the average Joe.” The Lottery’s new slogan? “Joe Money, My Manchin.” Manchin agreed to an interview, but then decided against it.

The Underground thinks centrists are the Switzerland of politicians.

Which is likelier? That the Andrew L. Bouwhuis library website actually loads, or that someone pronounces “Bouwhuis” correctly? All The Underground asks is that the Jesuit Whose Name Cannot be Pronounced send a message from the heavens to tell Canisius to fix his website.

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