Oh, Honey – I'm getting sick of this sickness

By: Dominic Vivolo, Contributor

How’s it hanging, Honeys?

It has been a while since we last chatted! I know spring break is right around the corner, and I would love to hear all about your plans, but since I will be on a plane to Italy by the time you are reading this, you’re going to need to wait for me to get to the fan mail reading. In the meantime, while you all froth at the mouth awaiting my return and awaiting my opinions on how much better the food in Italy is compared to here, I have a quick question to answer this week!  This one is inspired by the illness that has been travelling around picking everyone (except me and my perfect immune system) off one by one:

“My roommate gave me the flu, and I GUARANTEE it’s from that guy she met on Hinge, and honestly, I think that is beyond fake. Should I just cut her off now because she ruined my plans to go out this weekend?”

Oh honey, I want to first give you my condolences that your roommate is seeing a Hinge guy, the absolute worst of the worst situations. I would go on my rant about why dating sucks now, but that was done already in an earlier issue of The Griffin, so I will leave that beast alone for now. Onto the actual question that pertains to, “Should you cut this girl off for getting you sick?” I am going to hold your hand while I say this, but my answer is not so simple. It’s up to you to figure out, but I can give you a step-by-step guide on whether you should cut her off, which I call SICTCO! “SICTCO? What’s that?” I hear you asking yourself, and it is an acronym that brings us to our guidelines: Should I Cut This Creature Off! 

Let’s start off with what happened: you got sick. That sucks, but you also submitted this on a Monday, so let’s assume you're either recovered or currently recovering from the illness. If you are healthy or close to it, you need to look in the mirror and ask yourself if you, indeed, are the drama. That is the easy solution if you are healthy when you read this. I know it is blunt, but honey, I believe in the honest truth in this column. If this is a super flu, on the other hand, then it is a little more complicated than simply self-reflection. 

If you got sick because of this guy, then you need to put the hammer DOWN on this man. I am talking about leaving your girlfriend alone because she has been corrupted by Hinge into believing that a guy she met on her phone is the one, when in reality, she is dating a two at best. She needs to be saved, and the only way to do that is to get rid of that man. What do I mean by “get rid of?” Well, what I am saying is that you don’t need to cut your friend off; you two need to splurge this break, fly to Miami and let the wind guide you from place to place. Let the winds of the ocean and the people who reside there help you guys rekindle your relationship as strong as it was before this guy came and ruined everything. I expect you to have a suntan when we get back from break, and I expect this boy G O N E from your house – which should only allow queens.

That is all of the time I have for my soapbox. Now, I am going to hop on a plane and let the winds of Naples guide me from restaurant to winery. Until next time!

-DV

[If you want to submit questions for Oh Honey, you can scan the QR code provided or email vivolod@canisius.edu for questions. To be considered for the current week’s print, submit by 11:59 PM, March 10.]