Mission 100 Days: Ashley Kurz, Canisius alumni, very funny

By: Ashley Kurz, Managing Editor

The point of ‘Mission 100 Days’ is for The Griffin staff to reflect on their last 100 days at Canisius. I happened to get an extra 100 days though, to finish my undergraduate credits. I had to stay an extra semester because I couldn’t complete everything in time, but I walked the stage and shook hands with President Stoute. I took pictures and celebrated my friends’ accomplishments. They were done and ready to get started with the next chapter and I was there as a supporter. I’ve been having a lot of anxiety about writing this – when I look back at my time at Canisius I can’t help but feel upset. I hate thinking about myself, the things I’ve done, having little to no accomplishments or awards. I am not a part of an honors society or programs as I am not the type of student they are looking for. 

I get really upset over my performance here at Canisius, what could have been and then the suffocating reality. I got kicked out of here; twice. It’s almost impressive to get grades so low two years in a row. I would blow off class and assignments to drink and flirt with my friends because I didn’t think I was able to accomplish much else. Things have changed drastically for me – I ended up turning things around. As of late, I have been called a success story by one of our deans. Talk about a turnaround. But still, I regret the person I used to be – I feel so sorry for her and how she wasted so much time here. 

I became a student in August of 2021, after half a year of living in Buffalo with my sister. Let’s skip over the next two years (you know how that went) and begin with my junior year. I had met some wonderful people but I lost a lot in such a short amount of time; my car, my cat and my best friend. For the most part, I was alone in an empty apartment, waiting and what not. I focused on my classes, talking more and enjoying the material – all my mother ever wanted. That spring semester was something magical. I met a boy who I still love to this day and always will, and I had the most amazing people sleeping under the same roof with me every night. But what was really magic was joining the newspaper. I had wanted to be a member since I started here, I just didn’t think anyone there would like me so I never tried. That being said, I shadowed a wonderful woman who helped me realize my love for editing. I wasn’t comfortable there until my senior year. I thought that the staff was wonderful and nice but I couldn’t help but think they wanted me elsewhere. I kept showing up, though, and I gave my everything, every last drop of what I had to the people that deserved it the most. 

When I found out I wasn’t going to finish my credits in time of graduation (shocker) the only thing I could think about was if I would be able to walk the stage with the people I started all this with. Turns out I was able to but I was also able to walk and stay on The Griffin staff an extra semester. I got 15 more weeks in the only place I felt I mattered. I was already constantly talking to the editor-in-chief and managing editor about what I could do to be more involved so I asked if I would be able to run for their positions. They were excited about my interest and I actually decided to apply and interview. Considering my extremely light schedule and no-commitment semester (and my ambition and determination and whatever) I was appointed managing editor. I felt like I was given the chance I was too scared to go for in years prior. Having to stay an extra semester was hard to come to terms with but I finally got a win. I have a hard time with success. I feel like I have been given too much in this life and that I am undeserving of all that I have. There are a lot of people who should have my seat in life. This position though; I never for a second thought I didn’t deserve it. The Griffin has been my life this semester and I am incredibly grateful to be here. 

As I close this four-and-a-half-year-long chapter, I would like to announce that I have no plans for the future. For two years I’ve been trying for jobs and internships and each one hasn’t worked out. Since I have no future I’ll come back to the present. I take everything day-by-day, just making sure that I keep breathing and stay positive. I don’t have many words of inspiration for anyone – I am a 22-year-old girl with copious mental health issues, newly found poly fibrous dysplasia and serious imposter syndrome. I shouldn’t be giving anyone advice. But, I guess this could be considered a message for some people; I am going to keep living my life in spite of everything. All the shit my head makes up and all the days I’ve had to end early because I was too scared to breathe. I am still laughing and crying and enjoying small moments. I still watch bad TV and ignore all the books on my shelves that I haven’t read because I am able to. The only thing in your life that can stop you from living is yourself. Living is a lot of work, though; it's no small task for anyone, so that kind of means we’re all just trying together. The world is so much bigger and a lot less scary than your head makes it out to be. I have so much more to learn and I hope I’ll find something to be proud of on the way. 

For the past three years I have been struggling with panic attacks – it is as if my eyes don’t believe what they see, like the opposite of grounding. One of the best depictions of OCD and anxiety I’ve ever seen is in “Turtles All The Way Down,” both the book and movie adaptation. Reading and watching it was liberating, like someone had camped out in my head and took notes. What has always stuck with me is this quote: “You are as real as anyone, and your doubts make you more real, not less.” I think about that a lot, how people with anxiety are more human because of what they go through, that is real to me. I want everyone to take that with them too. 

Through all of the embarrassment and the doubt, I am confident that I will always be “Ashley Kurz, Canisius Alumni, Very Funny.” Thank you for being here.