Oh, Honey - Dogs and cats

Ohhhhhhhh honeys,

Yes, I am back from Italy, and no, I am not happy about it. Because I'm not happy about being back in this country (if you can even call it one anymore), I am going to make sure I get right to the point, and you all can be like, “wow, Dom is cool he kept his intro laconic.” Our question this week is one that I am sure a lot of us can relate to, especially if we have a pet back at home:

“Are dogs or cats more attractive to own? I want to win over this ABEC major, and I don’t know whether to talk more about my dog or my cat. They’re both cute and perfect, but I am curious which one can be my cupid.”

Oh honey, I swear to GOD if you guys keep asking me for love advice, I am going to pull a Marshawn Lynch and reply, “I am only writing this so I don’t get fined” and move on with my day. I do like this question, so I will make an exception, but this is the last time I will do so. (Sorry, I really do miss Italy, I will be back to my paternal self next week, I promise mwah).

So…you want to win over an ABEC major by talking about a pet? To be honest, I admire your idea, but I want you to know that there are many different types of pet owners. Some dog owners are horrible people and there is probably at least one cat owner who is actually quite pleasant to be around and not fill you with dread. What you need to focus on more is yourself, more than anything, and see if you match the energy of the animal that you own. If you’re like me, you need to match your golden retriever’s energy and be a happy-go-lucky boy who is full of joy and whimsy. If you own a black cat, BE the black cat, is what I always tell people: embrace the doom and despair that a black cat embodies. From the vibe of your question, I am going to assume you are more joyful and whimsical than doom-and-gloom, so I would talk more about your dog! Wait… this is Oh Honey. I need to be more sarcastic than actually nice… give me another paragraph.

 Why on God’s green Earth do you actually think you should date someone based on their major? Really? You should be focusing on someone’s PERSONALITY, not their major, like what are we doing here? Are you actually serious right now? Like… be for real here. You should be single for all I care, focusing on things as artificial as someone’s major, especially ABEC…be better and do better, honey. Making me give dating advice about a major I am not even a part of. I need wine and “Heated Rivalry.”

I will see you all next time, enjoy your pets.

-DV

[If you want to submit questions for Oh Honey, you can scan the QR code provided or email vivolod@canisius.edu for questions. To be considered for the current week’s print, submit by 11:59 p.m. March 24.