Oh, honey

Hellllllooooooooooo Honeys,

I have returned from the doom and despair of Certified Public Accountant (CPA) studying because the demons who created the exam said I get twenty minutes of outside time once a month, which is just enough time for me to answer our first question of the year! This one was submitted by someone who probably bet money on Josh Allen to throw for five touchdowns and not end the game by serving a meatball sub to the Patriots, even though Joshua Palmer (who has caught two passes this whole season by the way) was in DOUBLE COVERAGE ALLEN WHAT ARE WE DOING — anyways here is the question for this issue!

“Why do the Bills suck and make everyone’s lives so much worse?”

Oh honey, enough with the dramatics out of you. If this was me last year, I would be saying something along the lines of “oh it’s okay honey, I agree with you, here’s a kiss mwah,” but we’re in Week 4 of the season. WEEK. FOUR. Yes, losing to the Patriots at home every year sucks. Yes, Drake Maye is a fraudulent quarterback who looked like a Most Valuable Player (MVP) on Sunday. Yes, Josh Allen looked kinda mid last week (DOUBLE COVERAGE MAN), and Joe Brady was also doing some weird calls; but they do not suck. 

I outta wash your mouth out with soap with that bad language coming out of your mouth. The Bills are top 5 in offense, top 1 in the AFC east, top 3 in the AFC and we also have the greatest player of all time on our team: Greg Rousseau with six sacks in four games (that’s better pace than Myles “mid” Garret last year by the way. I smell a sack record being broken soon). 

Are there problems? Of course there is, and that is where I agree with you. Our defense… is bad. Like really bad. Like letting a practice squad call–up look like Hall–of–Fame levels of bad. There is a reason why Maxwell Hairston stormed out of the game and denied interviews because he sucked during that game and he still sucks now. Yeah he has the most broken up passes, but that’s because he gets targeted so much because he is GARBAGE. Our whole defensive back (DB) room is in fact garbage, which means teams can pass to whoever they feel like whenever they want. 

I share your anger, but I also remember that it is only the fourth week of the season and we’re probably going to be seeing the Bills in the playoffs if they get into their bye week with a 5–2 or 6–1 record anyways, so stop overreacting now, and life will get better, honey. At least we don’t need an extra second put back on the clock to help us win games like some other teams do!

That’s all I have for now, the CPA demons of doom and despair are banging on my door and are close to dragging me back into the pits. Until next time!

-DV