Notes from The Underground 4/4/25

With President Stoute now roughly two weeks into his leave, the few remaining journalism majors at Canisius have begun to chart secret entrances and exits to the school. There is still no official word as to what they may be planning, but some students are saying that they have seen a new professor on campus that bears a resemblance to Dan Higgins in a fake mustache and fedora. 

Shingles here, with the live coverage of Senator Cory Booker’s 25-hour-and-five-minute-long marathon speech, we are happy to report that there is hope for us yappers in the United States Senate. Also Shingles would like to report that it was not that impressive that he spoke that long, just ask my roommate.

Sources have told the Underground that the dining hall will be serving eggs on Tuesdays, Thursdays, Saturdays and Sundays only from now on. Sources have also told the Underground that this connects to Canisius University’s newest PR stunt, campaigning for the “Local university with largest omelette” award in the 2025 Best of 716 competition. 

With one public safety officer per shift, next year, students may actually get into the State of the University via a bunch of students stacked on top of each other in a large coat. 

The Underground is holding a tomato-throwing event after a series of faulty April Fool's jokes. We went to the Laugh Factory, and did not see some of you there…

Although Senator Booker broke the record for longest filibuster, he still has yet to break the Underground’s record for holding its pee. We’re at 49 days and counting. Our chronic UTI scoffs at his poser-ass Oura Ring.