Notes from the Underground 10/31

Happy Halloween! The Underground would like to remind everyone not to check your candy, especially the ones from the suspicious-looking houses and off-putting individuals. It adds flavor! 

Well, seniors registered for classes this week, and with almost half of The Griffin staff being seniors, we fear The Griffin itself might not be able to register for another year of publishing: A scary thought indeed, but we here at The Underground are ready and willing to step in and shake things up by bringing a very chaotic and yellow journalism vibe to the function that The Griffin never quite liked anyway. 

The Underground applauds all of those students who committed the “lock-in of the century” so they could have a stacked Halloweekend. Truly St. Peter of Canisius’ strongest soldiers – and we will just point you in the direction of the features article on how to stay safe during Halloween, because we both know you don’t want to end up on the news. Thankfully, we don’t have a police blotter in The Griffin anymore.

A reminder to anyone who receives Smarties while trick-or-treating tonight: Smarties are a communist plot to ensure every American child has the proper amount of chalk in their diet.The British people (if you can call them people) have elected to make Smarties something that people actually like, unlike Americans, who have decided that Smarties are something that only ‘Dummies’ like.

Shingles here, and here to remind you to be wary on Halloweekend. Watch out for “birds” – not only are “Smarties” communist lies, but so are birds, as we all know birds work for the bourgeoisie. (That is, if they are even real). For the candy consumers (hell yea, free food), the streets have reported about used razor blades that were deposited in chocolate bars, the problem being the blades were used – environmentally conscious cheap b*****s, can’t even get a free and clean blade nowadays.

The Underground regrets to inform you, the masses, (damn why are there so many of you?) that we are now all members of the undead. All future editions of The Griffin will be written using undead ink (crude oil).