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Notes from the Underground 10/27/2023

In need of some last minute Halloween costumes? Look no further than the university itself for some inspiration. An easy option is going as the classic ghost made of a bedsheet and just telling people that you’re Lyons Hall…or Shoppe 120… or a handful of programs discontinued in 2020… or our adjunct professors.

True Burger unexpectedly closed on Tuesday, leaving the e-sports team in total disarray. They said the closing caused them life-threatening deficiencies of “chicken tendies and choccy milky,” only worsening any gaming-induced vitamin D deficiencies we assume they also suffer from.

Take the time to pray for the freshman RAs this Halloweekend. God gives his toughest, drunken freshmen to the strongest soldiers… or the ones dumb enough to be freshman RAs in the first place.

The Underground is pleased to announce that it has filed a lawsuit against The Griffin for psychological damage. The Underground was shocked to see the spooky new front page font and all the Halloween decorations: so shocked, in fact, that The Underground has suffered “significant physical and mental injury.” Anybody who has had the same reaction is asked to join the class-action lawsuit.

Instead of publicly displaying our campus’s food waste and bothering people for a myriad of reasons, The Underground thinks it’d be easier if Chartwells could just consider scaling down the behemoth proportions they’re used to giving out.

The Underground can not decide if Admissions going away from advertising our Jesuit values is a positive thing for our campus or if it means that God will subject us to His wrath.

There are scarier things than death.

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