Notes from the Underground 09/27

Don’t worry, folks, the fingers have not left the underground since last week. Thank you again to Jon Dusza for his ingenious idea to put fingers in the Underground. 

The Underground would like to thank businessman Tom Golisano for his $5 million contribution to Canisius University. A generous gesture it was – a well-meaning one even. I’m sure he didn’t think twice about the proper usage of the funds, but The Underground knows that this sum will be directly deposited into a certain president’s ‘sneaker saving fund.’

Canisius won Best University of the 716! The Underground gathers that employees were mandated to cast their vote before they were allowed to take their leave for the day. Rumor has it that even Joe Delap had to place a vote before cleaning out his office. Cold and calculated, but effective. The Underground respects it. 

Rumor has it that the white deer at Forest Lawn Cemetery is white because they’re inbred. This is clearly a protest against Canisius getting rid of a dedicated family weekend. Our sources from Forest Lawn say that the deer will be hosting their own family weekend this week. The Underground cannot reprint the events that the deer are planning, but just know that you have to sign a waiver to get in.

Shingles here! I would like to thank the library for discarding a majority of the books they have – and during Banned Book Week. Bad PR; great for my wallet. 

The Underground is quite concerned about Petey being locked on the roof of Dugan for that one Instagram photo. He looks like what I imagine the voters of “Best University of the 716” looked when Stoute was outside of their windows in the middle of the night, desperately delivering his infamous “attitude of gratitude” campaign speech. 

Remember not to get too Jesu-lit off those Petey Pilsners this family weekend. Not that anyone could with the $ 15-a-can sticker shock– understandable though as it is their current plan to get out of the deficit. 

There are currently 8 fingers in The Underground. Once again, thank you, Jon.