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  • Patrick Healy

Notes from the Underground 02/11/22

By: Nope, Not Patrick Healy

Dr. Glynis A. Fitzgerald

Name: 10/10. Elite first name. Plus, any mistake covered by The Griffin will make use of initials: “GAFfe.”

Scouting Report: Alvernia’s appropriation of “Golden” mascot not appreciated. Golden Wolf sounds like bad Chinese restaurant, not mascot. (Update: The Golden Wolf is a … historical Norse mystery trilogy???)

Dr. Kara Kolomitz

Name: 6/10. Eclectic mix of colon, mitts, and Kool Aid. American Association of Alliteration must have something on Trustees.

Scouting Report: It’s a bird … it’s a plane … it’s Kara Kolomitz’s ambition! Cover letter says she currently reports to the “Board of Trustee.” Can’t tell if typo or bold reform. Writing dissertation on college presidents as a graduate student: genius or vainglorious?

Steve K. Stoute, J.D.

Name: 7.5/10. Classic alliteration covers tasteful blandness like ketchup on Iggy’s chicken tenders. Last name not indicative of body type and hopefully not of drinking habits.

Scouting Report: Prototypical Hogwarts student; reeks of Ravenclaw. Athletics background could help sportsball teams not suck. Cover letter phrasing highlights: “clarion call for Canisius College” and “Jesuit charism.”

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