Mission 100 Days: If you can’t beat fear, do it scared

By Hannah Wiley, Managing Editor

In November of 2021 – four months before I turned 18 and seven months before I graduated high school – I saved a sound from “Nothing New” by Taylor Swift featuring Phoebe Bridgers that said, “how can a person know everything at 18 and nothing at 22.” At the time I thought it would be crazy to use that sound on my 22nd birthday (I didn’t), but I also thought I would never relate to that line. Why would I? I was 17 and I knew exactly what I wanted to do for the rest of my life and I thought I would never question that. Now, I’m 22, a little under one month from my college graduation, and I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life – and I’ve come to make peace with that.

I think it's important to give myself grace in some ways, because the person I was at 18 during my freshman year is nothing like the 22-year-old version of me. I’ve grown in ways I didn’t know were possible and I’ve learned a lot of important lessons during my time at Canisius. It’s taken me a long time to make peace with the fact I’m a deeply scared and anxious person. It took me until the end of my freshman year to put myself out there because honestly almost everything makes me anxious in some way. I barely left my dorm, and while I was meeting people I wasn’t making any friends because I didn’t allow myself to put myself out there. 

Once I allowed myself to, this school and the people I’ve met have given me a space to grow into a person who allows herself to be loud and to take up space, especially The Griffin. It has become the place that on Thursday nights for the past three years has rewired who I am. I found my voice in that office. Not just metaphorically, but literally I found this outgoing part of myself that actually looks forward to talking to people instead of dreading social interactions. I found a version of myself who co-exists with my anxiety instead of letting it prohibit me from taking new opportunities. The Griffin and every organization I’ve been involved in during my time here has taught me that things happen when you are ready to experience them. While I didn’t meet Maddy Lockwood in the office, she is someone who has been a big part of my college experience. I’ve crossed the country and whole oceans with Maddy, and she’s seen me go from this anxious freshman to a senior who is a lot more sure of herself.

If this past year has taught me anything it’s that – if you get the chance to – move into a house with your best friends. There aren’t words to describe the impact those seven girls have had on my life and senior year. Watching all of them thrive has been an absolute privilege but also I hope they know how much they mean to me. I’ve never laughed as much as I do with Ava Wohlleber, and I like to think I’ve learned a lot about living life to the fullest from her. I’ve never met anyone more determined than Bella LoDico, she truly showed me you can do anything you put your mind to. Sitting on the porch with my roommates doing nothing and everything at the same time. Being in the kitchen all together talking about whatever comes to our minds. Having spontaneous powerpoint nights and just hanging out together. These girls have truly made my college experience.

Maggie Donner is someone who has come to make my senior year something to remember. Maggie is so resilient and her drive to accomplish amazing things is truly an inspiration. We talk a lot (with Kaitlin O’Meara) that we all wish we had found each other as roommates sooner. Living in the house has impacted me, but getting to spend so much time going on random side quests, celebrating each other's accomplishments and becoming each other's closest friends has been one of the most important things in my college career. 

Katie Dusza and Kaitlyn Belile have both had different impacts on my life in such important ways. Katie never lets me get into my own head and shows me that life’s more fun with a little less seriousness and a lot more whimsy. KB has shown me what it means to be strong. While she doesn’t show it often I think she’s the strongest person I know and I try to remember to take everything with grace like she does. Colin Richey and Peter Neville have been a part of some of my best memories in The Griffin. Whether it's debriefing after a print night or unhinged texts in our group chat with Kaitlin O’Meara, they’ve never failed to make me laugh this past year. 

I struggled for a long time to put into words how Kaitlin O’Meara has impacted my life. She has shown me what real friendship is and I couldn’t ask for a better person to be my other half. It's rare you find one of us without the other to the point that several different people have asked how we’re doing when we’re apart. She pushes me to be a better version of myself, and I can’t think about the fact that we’re going to be long distance best friends in a matter of a month without getting choked up. 

I want to thank Courtney Lyons, Ava Green, Kyra Laurie, Jon Dusza, Sophie Asher, Mikayla Boyd, Andrew Nowel and Liz Shingler as well as all The Griffin staff members that came before me and will come after me. It truly is the people that make this paper and staff what it is. Their love for The Griffin is contagious and I hope they all know that they’ve made an impact on me. 

I would also like to thank Dr. Snyder and the communications department for giving me space to thrive academically, as well as allowing me to take on new opportunities and try new things. I wouldn’t feel half as prepared as I do to go into the professional world without the support of all the professors in the department and their dedication to every student who sits in their classes. Dr. Snyder has never failed to make me feel supported and encouraged to live up to my full potential and grow as a person and student. 

In the past couple weeks questions of what my plans are in May have ramped up and I used to find that they made me uncomfortable. I would make a joke and ignore the actual questions – and sometimes I still do that – but I’ve come to accept that I’m still figuring out what my next step is. I want to spend this next month enjoying being with the people around me and the moments I have with them. So, while it still makes me anxious to not have a plan when I walk across the stage, I think these small moments with my closest friends matter more in the long run. I wish I could say I learned earlier on in my college career to appreciate the little things and cherish every moment. I didn’t really start to consciously do that until recently. That’s not to say I didn’t try to because I have an entire book worth of stories from these past four years. 

I’m writing this right now sitting on the porch with my roommates, not doing anything but simply being in each other's presence. I don’t wanna think about the fact that this all ends soon, but if I’ve learned anything from my time as a Canisius student it's to take things as they come and to have fun doing it. While I chose to come to this school because of its journalism program, I’m leaving it with a lot more to show than just a degree. Canisius allows you to grow into yourself, but if there’s one thing I want people to take away from my time here it's to do it scared, never let your anxiety control the experience you get to have.