How are you? No, really, how are you?

By: Dr. Jonathan Lawrence, Contributing Writer

Person One:  Hey, how are you?

Person Two:  I’m good, how are you?

Person One:  Good. See you later.

Person Two:  See you. (and walks away)

How many times is this scene or something similar repeated every day on our campus?  Of course, many of us are busy and maybe even running late, so short exchanges like this are often the best we can do. I know that many times when I was in college, I would answer “I’m busy,” which was an accurate description of my life, but not really much of an answer for how I was doing. That busyness covered over a lot of stress and anxiety that I ignored until some friends would ask, “but how are you really doing?”

I don’t know about you, but the answer to that question is usually a lot more complicated than the cheerful “I’m good” I often gave. I’ve found that many people are surprised and even uncomfortable if you say anything other than the typical “I’m good.” 

One day, we had just found out that a family member had been diagnosed with cancer, and when someone asked how I was, I blurted out the truth and they gave me an awkward look.  Maybe they were just surprised by my answer, but it seemed almost like they felt trapped in a conversation they weren’t expecting to last more than a few seconds and now they needed to look like they cared.  Even if that conversation didn’t go well, there were many other people who did support me through the following months as we prepared for the birth of our second child and the impending loss of a family member.

When we talk about Cura Personalis, caring for the person, it can mean seeking the best for people in all aspects of their lives, but it can also mean the simple things — how we greet people, how we respond when they share their concerns and how we keep trying to support them in their daily lives.

The Jesuits talk about two ideas that play into how we care for others: accompaniment and solidarity. I’ll talk more about these in future columns, hopefully with some stories from others on campus about their experiences on campus ministry trips. In the meantime, though, accompaniment can be as basic as just being present, showing our care by being there in case someone wants to talk while solidarity can mean trying to act in ways to support someone in the challenges they face.

I worked one summer as a Park Chaplain in one of the Pennsylvania State Parks. My primary responsibility was to visit the campsites on the weekends and preach every Sunday. The services were held next to the beach and swim time started right after services so many people wore their bathing suits to church — a new experience for me! I was also on call in case of emergencies, which were fortunately rare. 

One week, a boater was missing and presumed dead, and I was asked to sit with his family while the search and rescue crew was out on the lake. I sat with them and got them coffee and occasionally prayed with them, but inside I was hoping no one would ask me how God was letting this happen because I certainly had no answers available. At the end of the day, the family thanked me repeatedly for helping — even though I felt I had hardly done anything. That is the point after all with accompaniment. Being present doesn’t require a lot of words, just our presence.

Solidarity can mean taking that presence a step further and trying to act in a way to support people — even acting to counter injustice when we see it. Many people talk in a similar way about trying to be an ally; solidarity, allyship, doing the right thing. All of these are good goals and many of us start with good intentions, but there are also challenges. I’ve seen many cases where people start with good intent, but act like they’re here to fix things and tell people what they need to do rather than walk with them and even learn from them. Acting as an ally can be really important, but it can also be performative if it becomes more a matter of “look at me, I’m an ally” and not using my position and abilities to support others.

One time in college, a friend shared with me that, after he came out as gay, people stopped shaking his hand. This was in the early 1990s, and there was a lot of ignorance about Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome (AIDS) even though doctors already knew that it would not be spread by shaking hands. After hearing that, I tried to shake his hand whenever I saw him. I didn’t try to make a big deal out of it — no photo opportunities or anything, no “look at me, I’m a good person for doing this” — but I tried to show that I recognized his humanity and the isolation he was experiencing.

We all have opportunities to show others that we care. It may mean an interruption in our routine and breaking the “I’m good, how are you” pattern. Sometimes you may be the one reaching out to support others, and sometimes you may be the one needing support. I hope, though, that we can find ways to support each other on campus and in our wider lives.

So, how are you? How are you really? I am still busy sometimes and very possibly running late for class, but even if I can’t talk right now, I’ll be glad to chat later — over coffee or even up in my office where there’s a comfortable chair.