Dialogue

By: Dr. Jonathan Lawrence, Contributing Writer

“Say what you mean and mean what you say.” My conflict management professor said this many times as a guide for good communication.  If everyone did this on a regular basis, there might be fewer conflicts because we would all be clearer in what we say. Even so, there would be some conflicts because communication involves people taking turns as speaker and listener. Just because the speaker is clear in what they say the listener may not understand — or they may understand what is being said and they find it upsetting.

Conflict and disagreement are nearly inevitable in our lives. Sometimes they result from misunderstandings, sometimes from unintentional hurt because someone doesn’t realize how their words will be received and sometimes from harm that someone intended to cause. While we can try to prevent some conflicts, it is more useful to find ways to manage and resolve conflicts when they arise. In addition to clear communication, we can also think about how we respond and interpret someone else’s statements that have upset us.

My professor often encouraged us to practice “reciprocity” — trying to imagine we were looking at things from the other person’s perspective, putting ourselves in their shoes so to speak. He even took this so far as to ask us to draft a letter of recommendation as if we were him writing about us before he would write a letter for us — but that’s a story for another day.  Reciprocity is difficult and often even uncomfortable if it makes us engage with words and actions that we find problematic. Even so, it can help us better understand other people and why they act and speak in a particular way.

Jesuits call this “presupposition” — starting by assuming good intent from someone else.  Even if they’ve said something that upsets you, start by assuming that they didn’t intend to upset you and ask for clarification. Maybe you misunderstood or maybe they didn’t realize their words would hurt you. Ignatius introduced this idea in his instructions for people doing the spiritual exercises, but it can be applied in our daily lives. When conflict happens, if we assume bad intent from the beginning, the conflict is likely to escalate. But if we start by assuming good intent, we may be able to clear up misunderstandings before things get heated and to build a better understanding for the future.

Practicing presupposition starts with assuming good intent and then engaging in a careful conversation to clarify differences of opinion. Over the years, I have learned much through dialogue with people from other backgrounds. Many times, we have still disagreed after dialogue, but we have grown to understand each other better. I had religious friends in college who said that they had the truth, and the only purpose for dialogue was to convert others to the truth, but that sounds more like an argument or a contest than dialogue.

Dialogue is hard work and, to be productive, it requires both sides to approach conversation with humility and willingness to hear the other. You may find yourself in situations where dialogue and conversations are much harder because the other person will not assume you had good intent. Maybe they will be more open later, but for now you can practice conversations with others who are interested in dialogue. If you’re interested in opportunities for dialogue on campus, contact Campus Ministry.