Notes from the Underground 10/06/23

The Underground would like to file a formal complaint against climate change for delaying sweater weather. 85° in October is NOT the vibe. The Earth is dying, AND we can’t wear our new fall fits — tragic, really.

Our dearest thank you to FEMA for scheduling a nationwide emergency alert test for 2:20 p.m. this past Wednesday, right when 1 p.m. classes end. It was truly the perfect deterrent for those droning professors who constantly go over class time, since we all know the broken clocks in Old Main will never save us.

This past Wednesday, the Students for Life club handed out “everyone deserves a birthday” cupcakes, while an outside pro-choice organization responded by distributing Plan B at the same time. Tensions were high, but a good, old-fashioned girl dinner was indeed supplied.

The Underground would like to congratulate C-Block for easily putting together more events than any other club on campus. We would also like to tell their e-board to please go take a nap or something.

Hip hip hooray! RA meal plans have finally been updated just in time for them to narrowly escape malnourishment. The days of our resident assistants looking and acting like the cast of “Oliver Twist” are over! Yes, RAs, you may have some more.

The Underground is proud to announce its candidacy to be Speaker of the United States House of Representatives. Together we will finish the unfinished work of this country.

The Griffin has garnered their very first hater in an alumni who has sent us a string of very strongly worded emails about our reporting skills, apparent endorsement of “extra marital intercourse” and our inability to coincide with “jesuitical” values. (His words, not ours.) Thank you for your helpful criticism. Love you, baby girl.