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Notes from the Underground

By Pay Heavy, Cheerios-in-Chief

President Stoute wants faculty and students to come together to “organically innovate.” The Underground prefers to artificially innovate and organically stagnate, thank you very much.


The Underground refuses to selflessly serve others, but it might consider selfishly serving them.


President Stoute and VP Fields keep saying they have an open door policy. If they actually mean that, The Underground proposes that all doors on campus be replaced with turnstiles. Maybe they can be activated with swipes, which would also track Petey Points—killing two griffins with one stone!

Nobody cares if we are a “college” or a “university.” The Underground demands to know if we are “Griffs,” “Griffins,” or “Golden Griffins.” If President Stoute doesn’t pick one and stick with it, The Underground will “launch” a campaign to bring back “Grenadiers” as our mascot.


If anyone asks, The Underground’s voice is Pay Heavy. #iykyk


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