Notes from the Underground 09/22/23

The Underground would like to start by apologizing for putting senate coverage on the front page last week. It was a total accident and won’t happen again — we doubt they’re going to be up to anything worthy of the front page anyway.

The Underground would also like to apologize to Chairman Reynoso for reporting that he was hallucinating during last week’s senate meeting. After the chairman demanded an apology, he asked The Underground to “tell the smiley man to leave him alone.”

Have you or a loved one experienced intense gut pain? Irregular bowel movements? Maybe even the salad bar has been putting your stomach in knots? Perhaps you’ve felt what experts call “bubble guts” or “d-hall syndrome," and you may be entitled to financial compensation.

(Financial compensation will be in the form of rusty Ozzi Box tokens.)

Shingles has returned to the Underground from their three-month nap, and they have several questions. What is an Ozzi and why is it not Ozzy Ozborne? If it is “autumn,” why is it still 70 and above?! Why hasn’t sustainability thrown hands about the lights in Lyons Hall still being on? And does everyone remember last night? It seems important!

The Retired Old Fart that resides in The Underground has some proclamations. First and chiefly is that the dining hall’s new seating accommodations are “achingly mid.” Secondly, and not so chiefly: why doth the S.E.L.D. office pigeons bear such little insight into upcoming events?