The only thing that can console The Underground as its prophet approaches graduation is another round of Jen Herrmann emails. Putting its investigative skills to greatest utility, The Underground counted 71 undergraduate-wide Jen Herrmann emails pertaining to drop/add or registration since Fall 2019.
The Underground regrets accepting Pay Heavy’s retirement from the Petey Points competition. After placing second to the inestimable efforts of Shawn Johnson in the inaugural fall 2022 semester, the Griffin’s managing dictator acknowledges his failed attempt to annex all of Student Life. Heavy will settle instead for his plans to replace USA with a military junta with himself at its head, dethrone Dr. Harrington from his perch at the top of the Griff Center and conquer every major in the college of arts and sciences.
The Underground proposes we knock down Lyons Hall and move Churchill Tower over there. Or maybe we could hollow Churchill Tower out and lay it across Main Street as a tunnel between Lyons and Old Main. Perhaps add a garden where the building currently is instead.