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  • The Griffin

Notes From the Underground 02/09/24

The Underground would like to thank MeganWithTheGrape for pointing out the fact that last year Petey’s birthday fell during Aries season, yet this year Petey appears to be an Aquarius. Which is it, Petey?? With this wishy-washy behavior, you might as well just be a Gemini. 

Student leaders have been complaining as of late about their struggles to get in touch with the director of Student Engagement and Leadership Development (S.E.L.D.), Jason Francey, saying he’s been completely M.I.A. Anonymous sources report he’s been focused on his acting career as of late, leaving the S.E.L.D. office early to play Petey for campus events. Although his absence has been an inconvenience, we couldn’t be prouder of his big break. Keep shining, our little star! 

The Underground would like to request permission to place a work order for the private bathroom in the library, as it has caused many uncomfortable premature flushing experiences. We would like to poop in private, but not at the cost of having a large breeze on our bottoms for every movement that is detected by the far too sensitive motion detector. 

The Underground is composed of many NYT Connections fans from all different experience levels, but we are shocked to hear the number of people who thought that “sponge,” “bob,” “square,” and “pants” were all going to be in the same category. Maybe it's time for you to put all of your focus towards just the Wordle. 

On Thursday, Feb. 2, fire alarms rang through the gutted, out-of-use Lyons Hall. Given that the interior is still completely waterlogged, an investigation into what really triggered the alarm is ongoing. Supernatural experts hypothesize it was the spirit of the building’s last-ditch plea to be demolished and put out of its misery.  

The Underground would like to thank Mr. Matt Kochan for providing food for our poor, depleted, tired little staff this week. Mankind (or, Mattkind) has yet to come up with words that are grand enough to encapsulate our appreciation for all he does. Matt’s kindness and consideration always astounds us, and we’re endlessly grateful for his support. 

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